A Piece of Me

It is about 1:20 in the morning and I don't know why I am up but clearly I have some things on my mind so maybe I should discuss it on my blog and see where this note takes me:

I tend to notice that I make a lot of stupid mistakes and some of them I know I can avoid, to sit here and go through my mistakes is irrelevant but I feel that they are so I must acknowledge them. My mistakes are sometimes trivial or life altering but nonetheless they are still mistakes, and it's because of these mistakes and choices that I have decided to make has turned me into a mute at certain times. Alot of people think that I am a very opinionated girl, outspoken, very loud, or what have you. Yes in some certain circumstances they are true, but I think my big personality sometimes can be a deterrent to how I want to be seen and believe me my big mouth gets me into alot of trouble. But more recently I feel like the personality that I display is not me, but instead is a facade or a front to just cover up all the things that I am feeling. I remember starting this blog just to add a quirky opinion to things in life that either disturbed me, made me happy or probably didn't have any relevance, but as I sit here I don't know why I am even doing this blog. My confidence in myself has never been the most stable but as of recent I feel like everything is crumbling in front of my eyes. Sometimes I don't know whether or not it's because I am "nonchalant" or because I don't know how to confront my feelings, but I feel like I can't do anything and I always feel like I am stuck in one position.

I think about alot of things and most of the time I think that I will drive myself right into the mad house because I have never been able to relax. I second guess myself alot of the time and I sell myself short as well. I wish I could say that I am happy but that's a far stretch, but I can say most days I am pretty content (but that's subjective). I don't know when I have ever stopped to just enjoy life because half of the time I am too drunk or too consumed in my own shit to really have fun. My vices that I promised wouldn't consumed me has now become apart of my life, and I don't want to be that girl that has to turn to her vices for that momentary satisfaction only to have it be taken away because my problems are still there. I haven't been one to deal with my emotions or deal with things that hurt me because I keep everything to myself. Bottled up emotions are never good but I think that I am just scared of being looked at a certain way or judged but most importantly I think I just don't like to deal with things and I'm finding more often that now it's starting to mess with me alot. I feel myself drowning sometimes because its a wave of emotions that keep coming in and because I don't know how to deal with things I just keep sinking lower and lower.

I don't even know why I am writing this thing because no matter how much I write I don't think this deficiency to react or be expressive will ever happen. But I don't know this poem can sum up in a nutshell how I feel sometimes:

My Reflection
I Look In the Mirror And I See A Face
Staring Back At Me Flaws & All
Sometimes I Wish I Could Trade Its Place
And Be Trapped In The Reflection
So Someone Else Can Dictate My Direction
I Look At My Dark Skin, Brown Eyes, And Full Lips
And All I Can Obsess About Is The Wanting of More Hips
The Tone Of My Skin Being Too Dark
And Eyes So Deep & Dull They Leave No Mark
Why When I Look In The Mirror I Am Not Appeased
At The Reflection That's A Spitting Image of Me
Why Am I Scared To Approve of Myself
While, Constantly Searching Acceptance From Everyone Else
My Reflection Knows Me Better Than Anyone
Those Eyes Stare Into Mine & Touches My Soul
A Reality So Chilling To The Bone
I Am She & She Is Me
My Reflection: Who I Am & What I See